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The school year has steadily supplied me with a gamut of emotions ranging from exhaustion and anger to nostalgia and love. I went into this job feeling like I was way in over my head and questioned whether I could actually teach three different lessons everyday and I leave feeling like I can definitely teach and, amidst the pressures and frustrations, came to the conclusion that I like to teach. The pace of teaching is incredible; every day is a mountain that must be climbed and when the day is over you feel triumphant and relieved but also exhausted, not only because of what you just went through but because tomorrow you have a new mountain to climb. And so it is with teaching; every day is different, every day builds upon the one that just passed, and the teacher better be ready each day with her ‘A’ game because 130 kids will walk through her door expecting her to be ready for them. And if you are not ready–well, you just can’t not be ready, because then what? The kids will be wild, they’ll think your class is a joke and they won’t expect anything to be expected from them when they are in your class. Does that give you a taste of the daily pressures of a teacher?

I must say, that my respect for teachers has grown after holding the job down myself. Teaching is very much a skill that can be continually refined. I think that teachers that have taught for more than 20 years all have to be just awesome teachers! See, when you’re a new teacher you’ve never taught certain lessons before and they are all very foreign (and oftentimes intimidating) to teach. A new teacher has the task to communicate a concept that they may have never had to orally communicate before, and they have to do it front of a (un)captive audience of 22 (if you’re lucky—class size is a different issue to be discussed later). Oftentimes, the coveted lesson plan will fail and this reality may be known in the first 2 minutes of the lesson or in its last 2 minutes. In the case of failure, the lesson plan is abhorred by the teacher and will never be used again. Teaching is all about trial and error. What works and what doesn’t?

Enough of little te(a)chnicalities. For me, the preciousness of teaching is found in the precious kids. Just like in life, you meet people that touch you in certain ways and that you are drawn to for good or unknowable reasons, so it is with teaching students. Each class is like a little community. Certain kids have certain roles in that community, but the tone of the community is set and paced by its leader, the teacher. Teaching is, after all, a leadership position. The teacher must make known the vision of the class and the expectations of the students. A lot of this practically comes into view through addressing the behavior of the students. Young people need to be taught how to treat and talk to one another. Middle school can be a very threatening and paralyzing time for young people and the teacher has the opportunity to intercede within the student to student interactions and be a corrective voice that espouses love and kindness. That idea is a reflection of my own heart but, although it is my vision for my classroom, I worry about my own personification of love and kindness towards them, especially on the days that I was wrung out and fed up with the bad behavior. There were times when I was very disgusted with the behavior of the students and they knew it because I communicated it to them calmly and with passon and emphasis. I would often address their behavior by telling them how I felt as they were acting up. In this, I was hoping that they would be able to connect with the reality of the effects that their behavior had on me and in that, that they would somehow realize that as a person, I deserved to be treated with respect and that their actions should dignify me. I consistently strived to clue them in on how their behavior was not without recourse but it was powerful in a very real way, and could injure and deflate others.

Despite the consistent behavior problems, a definite, real sense of camaraderie was formed and I fondly recall the times when we would laugh together as a class over something that had just happened or something that someone had said or when I would stumble my words and say something that sounded funny. It was in those moments when I felt very very happy to be there and felt privileged that I had a job where I could interact with people every day, spend an hour each day with them and be a witness to their individuality and uniqueness. How creative is our God and how beautiful is His creation.

On the last day of school, I had an awards ceremony for each class and I thought it was so cool that when I would explain the meaning and significance of each reward before announcing the recipient, the class would guess who had won the award. It pleased me because it was then that I first was able to correctly identify our level of relationship as that of a community who had spent a significant time together and had shared their lives with one another (I promoted expressing one’s feelings in my class and worked to get them to express themselves), and within that, the kids has a chance to be known and see a bit of the strengths and talents of one another.

I felt so very blessed that as a teacher, I could speak into the hearts of the kids. One of the awards I gave I called the “certificate of moral excellence,” who I gave to one of my girls who had never spoken a word of ridicule or mockery to her classmates and who had never treated me in any ways other then with respect, love, and admiration. I said to her that this award was the most special because anyone could get good grades, but the award she received was a reflection of who she was and who she was is far more important than the grades that she could earn.

There was a boy who I called “my philosopher” because he would respond to journal prompts and quotes with a level of depth and profundity that exceeded his twelve years. He would beam when I would call him this and on the last day of school he won the “future philosopher” award and received a book of quotes. It was the same book of quotes that I have had since I was in high school. This little boy grew into a deep place in my heart this year as I got to know him and learn of his home life. I feel privileged that God chose me to be a person in his life who could point out his strengths to him and delight in who he was.

There was another little rambunctious boy who had very poor behavior. He is very hyper and likes to play. He is the epitome of a “boy,” and I often saw him shooting his “machine gun” before class and making the appropriate noise to sound as if he were shooting many people as class began. He got suspended twice this year. One time he was playing with a kid in my class and pushed over a book as the other boy leaned over and ended up making the little boy’s head bleed. That was a bad day. But despite his boyish antics, I found this student absolutely adorable. He was shorter than all his classmates and he had a big smile that he always knew exactly when to flash at me. He was too cute and he knew he had me wrapped around his finger. On the last day, he wrote on my board that he was my biggest fan and he lingered after the bell rang, not wanting to leave me since it was to be the last time he’d see me. He finally conjured up the courage to give me a hug and it was so precious. I won’t forget him. As cliché as that may be to say that I will never forget (some) of my students, the deeper truth is that I really won’t and that the time I shared with them was special and a gift that blessed me and brought life to my life. We do not go through our lives without having effect on one another. It is impossible. And so I’ve been affected by my students. And I will miss them. It is always sad to say goodbye to people that you’ve built into and who have built into you. I worry for them; I worry for their futures in this world that can devour and destroy a soul. And, in that reality, my greatest and deepest hope for them is that they will come to know Jesus.

I will continue to reflect on my year in the public schools in the next few days…